


Breakdown

by HijikataTrash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, iwaoi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-08-15 22:25:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8075197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HijikataTrash/pseuds/HijikataTrash
Summary: It's too much for him, he can't do it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Totally not inspired by my shitty life...,anyway enjoy this angsty fic!

He didn't even know anymore. For who, for what was he trying? What the point was, what the end of the line looked like. He didn't understand the meaning, the purpose. And to say he was lost right now was an understatement. He felt numb, like a shield had finally raised through his heart to stop the overflowing emotions. It was not like this feeling was foreign; the despair, feeling like you're trapped inside your own mind. No, it wasn't that. There was not even a reason to his sadness, in fact, he thought he was done with this. He thought he had overcame the overwhelming sensibility he could feel every night if needed. Sometimes, every 10 minutes or so, he could feel panic stirring inside of him, hitting deep in his guts, which was a reminder of his failures. 

He had promised the whole team he'd be there tonight, for once, he'd present himself to their gatherings. He was supposed to be sitting in a fancy restaurant right now, not sulking in his bed. But he could not help it, his anxiety literally forbid him to even do such as standing up. His body felt weak, crumbling down in vulnerability. As much as his mind let him down, his self deprecating thoughts over powering anything else. He could smell the coffee freshly made by himself, which had been forgotten once the sun had settled. 

He was still thinking about...this. Searching for the reason of his sadness, the why and the how. It could hit him without a reason sometimes, that he knew, but it had been a couple of months since his last breakdown. He truly felt like a king during those times, on top of the world, ruling his body, his emotions, his illnesses. Nothing could have pulled him down, nothing triggered him per se. But here he was, sitting on his bed, staring at his hand to make sure he was there, real. He had difficulty determining reality from delusion, he experienced hallucinations before, so he always tried to make sure that what he was living was not an image created by his own sick mind. He truly hated himself when it happened because, what kind of sick shit could imagine things? Was he that ill? Guess he could never know, as the last therapist he ever met was when he started having anxiety, at barely ten. Quite young. After that, he grew scared of professionals, of people capable of digging inside his deepest thoughts. He didn't like it, noisy people ready to use any kind of tricks to prescribe you pills you didn't need, or in his case didn't want to take. 

Maybe that's why he was feeling so down after being happy for so long, his medication had run out and he strictly refused to buy other bottles full of them. His mum paid for them, ruined herself in countless of useless little tasteless pills. He hated to make her do that, it felt as if he forced her to. She looked tired of his bullshit, tired of his never ending pain, tired of his existence. So he vowed to leave her alone, to make himself as little as possible. 

Unconsciously, he started to do the same thing with his friends. He began to refuse to go out, he declined their calls, he deleted most of his social medias. He just didn't want to bother anyone, he didn't want to burden them with his life. He quit almost all of their group chats, he blocked their numbers and unblocked them after a while because sometimes he felt like it would be better to just stop it. Stop their relationships, end every contact he ever had with anyone. He couldn't bear to force them to be friends with him, so he tried to ruined them all. 

Honestly, he wanted to die, end his life, put an end to the suffering. The thing keeping him from doing such an act is the thought of letting everyone down. He had just engaged in the presidential committee with his other friends even though he felt like he was not good enough for it. He was the captain of a powerful volleyball team, he was in list for a good university, he had a good job, he truly had everything to be happy. He just wasn't. He wanted to put a stop to this nonsense, would he even be able to meet everyone's expectations towards him? No. never, and that made him want to die. 

The pression was heavy, unbearable, he could not even describe it. His entourage pushed him to do things he did not believe himself capable of doing, but he never refuse any of the propositions. Who was he to? He didn't have the right, he was no one. So he kept pushing, pushing until exhaustion took over, until he could not breathe anymore, until his legs flinched, until he could feel rocks digging into his flesh, bruised knees and bloody hands. 

At some point, he found enjoyment in pain. He didn't know when or why exactly it happened, but it felt like something inside of him screamed in joy every time he met ache, he felt in control. So he put himself in dangerous situations, ones where he could get hurt, sometimes where he could hear death whispering in his ears. And it was a bliss, the rushing adrenaline, feeling his blood pumping in his veins, his entity more alive than ever. It went too far once, where without even noticing, he stepped in front of car and his childhood friend barely managed to grab his collar and pull him backwards. Someone had witnessed his dangerous activities, it was over. In barely two days, he had lost every right to touch sharp or life threatening objects, a 24/7 surveillance put upon him. Once again, he felt empty, as though the world really had something against him. 

He guessed that what brought him to his current situation was the urge he had to hurt himself. Somewhere along the way, the surveillance contract had been lifted, so he was now alone in his house. He could find something to end this suffering. Surely, they had forgotten something dangerous, everyone make mistakes. 

The night was just settling, rain drops falling at a fast pace. The weather matched his mood to be honest, he felt everything and nothing at the same time. He could hear the rain outside his window, the wind getting stronger and the sound of a storm coming closer. 

If he was being honest with himself, it was all getting worse inside of him as well. As he searched the whole house, panic getting the best of him, he somehow managed to take his phone in a hurry and compose the first number that came to mind. Childhood's best friend, the culprit of his broken heart, his years long crush, none other than the team's ace. He wanted to stop this, with help because he couldn't alone. Hurting himself was not a good option, but he would not be able to stop. The line on the other side picked up and he jumped in surprise. 

"Oikawa? Where are you? We're all waiting for you," His voice was comforting, calm, light hearted. 

"I- I don't think I can make it," he could not stop his voice from shaking violently, stuttering his way out of his sentence. 

"Oi, are you okay?" Worried tainted his tone, he could hear his voice getting deeper. 

"Can you...come over? I- I'm not okay, Iwa-chan," of course his long time friend knew about his situation, his suffering. He knew how grave it was, so he took no time in running out to his place. 

"Stay on the phone, Oikawa," it was not a suggestion, but an order. He sat down in a corner in the kitchen, darkness enveloping him. His breathing was ragged, unsteady as he was running out in the storm. Sometimes he asked if he was still there, and he would hmm'ed in response. 

Not 10 minutes later, heavy punches laid on the front door, startling Oikawa. He quietly told him that it was unlocked. Once inside, Iwaizumi searched for the boy, scanning the living room and kitchen with his eyes. He finally met his gaze, terrified and sad. He didn't bother to take his shoes off, hurrying to his best friend's side. 

Oikawa was hidden between the counter and the wall in the far left corner of the dim lit kitchen. The only times they could properly see each other were when the lightning hit the ground, exploding in light. Iwaizumi could easily see the despair present in Oikawa, he was trembling, fingers furiously tapping on his legs, sometimes pinching at the skin, his head hitting it self on the wall behind him, on reflex he supposed. He was desperately trying not to do anything dangerous to himself, he could tell. 

He delicately took his right hand in his left one and deposed his right one behind his head, stopping instantly his movement. Oikawa seemed to snap out of his transe, finally acknowledging his presence. Iwaizumi tried a small smile in his direction, murmured a simple "it's okay." to his distressed figure, earning him quavering lips and teary eyes. 

"I'm so sorry," he unintentionally screamed his words. He didn't mean to and he tried to apologize again. 

"Stop. I don't need any words of atonement," he heard another plea coming out of Oikawa's mouth and thus brought his head onto his shoulder in a tender way. His shirt got wet from tears and saliva he guessed, because Oikawa was still trying to talk into his shoulder. He pat his hair, focusing on comforting him. 

He stopped crying after a good 15 minutes, still resting on Iwaizumi. "Will you explain to me what happened?" He felt Oikawa's head shake to answer no. "Want me to stay for the night?" This time, he was greeted with a positive response. He stood both of them up. "Can you walk?" Another positive comeback. 

Iwaizumi accompanied him to his room, sitting him on the cold bed. He disappeared for 3 minutes, which impacted Oikawa's frail emotions, but he came back with sleeping pills and water. He didn't want them, never again would he swallow any kind of medication. 

"You'll need them to sleep," but no matter what his arguments were, he was not flinching. He abandoned, but still offered the water. This one passed, Oikawa gulped it down in seconds. 

"A- are you going to sleep with me?" It didn't sound like he was taking no as an answer, so he settled down under the sheets with him. 

"Are you better?" 

"No."

"It's okay. You have every right to feel bad. I love you no matter your state. I'm here for you, don't worry. I'll hold you and make sure you'll be okay." Oikawa started to cry again, not bothering Iwaizumi in the slightest. 

"I hate myself. I want to die," Oikawa whispered, more to himself then anything else. 

"It's okay. We'll find a solution," he tried to reassure him although he felt on the verge of breaking down too. He didn't like hearing the person he loved saying this. But he'd help him. They'll get through it.


	2. Aliens and love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi's last chance at saving his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been for fucking ever!! I am proud to say that I am finally updating this fic, with it's second and last part. Sorry for the wait and thank you for being patient. I love you all!!

_“Do you think aliens are real?”_

_“Of course not, stupid,” but no matter what you would say to Oikawa, he would always firmly believed in them. He’d always hold onto the thought of space creatures flying up amongst the stars, perhaps waiting for the right moment to come down on earth and greet the planet’s population._

_“You know, maybe someday they’ll come down here and be like ‘We are looking for the earthling named Oikawa-san, our dearest believer!’ And thank me for never listening to your pessimistic remarks,” although his imitation of aliens resembled more one of a robot, he laughed at his advanced humour and poor attempt at voicing an extraterrestrial being._

_Oikawa obviously protested._

_“Iwa-chan! Stop laughing, I’m serious,” he whined and pouted at his best friend. “Maybe one day I will be the one to join them...” Iwaizumi gasped slightly, Oikawa was not the type of person to express his feelings so directly. At least not when he was 10 years old. Iwaizumi tried to lighten up the mood a little._

_“Don’t say such things. You know very well they wouldn’t want to see your ugly face,” they both laughed, genuinely amused by the joke, because younger Oikawa was still happy by that time._

_As they both finished their lunch, they packed their bags and headed towards their next class._

_-_

A sudden crash broke off the somewhat peaceful dream Iwaizumi was having. A memory displayed as a dream. Then another crash and a soft voice stirred him out of his sleep. He was annoyed, who makes so much noise this early in the morning? He was about to snap at the person, to let them know to stop making such a ruckus and leave him alone, but then it hit him. Oikawa, the breakdown, his pain, his _face._ He calmed his self down, trying to get ready to a post-breakdown Oikawa. He gently opened his eyes, only to meet a white wall. He turned around and came across Oikawa’s brown eyes.

 

He was taken aback for a second, he knew damn well about Oikawa’s pretty face, but never had he seen him so _raw_ , so selfless. In a way, Iwaizumi thought he had never seen anything this pretty. He was beautiful.

 

His face was not swollen and red like the previous night, his eyes looked less pained and in the rising sun, his brown eyes glowed like gold.

 

But he knew Oikawa by heart. He knew it was a facade, an act, an attitude he put up to not alarm anyone.

 

“Are you...okay?” Iwaizumi tempted the question, even though he found himself stupid by asking that. Clearly he was not.

 

“Well, I’m better than yesterday if that’s what you’re wondering,” his voice didn’t sound okay, more like in a desperate need of being left alone, which Iwaizumi would not do.

 

“Do you...need anything?” It was barely morning, the clock showed 9 a.m. and Iwaizumi didn’t know how to approach the boy in front of him, he was cold and distant.

 

“No,” Is the only answer he received. “Do you still think aliens aren’t real?” The question caught Iwaizumi off guard; out of all the things he was thinking about right now, aliens were not one of them.

 

Frankly, he didn’t know. In the span of seven years, never had he thought again about aliens. Not once. “I don’t really know. What about you?” Oikawa seemed lost in his thoughts for a second, and Iwaizumi wondered if he was even listening to him.

 

“I do. I still think they are out there, searching for a way to come on earth without frightening us. They should do it soon; I’d like to meet them before I die.” Sure, Iwaizumi did not expect this kind of response. But at least, he was talking to him, getting him to share his feelings with him. He tried asking him about more of what he thought, but Oikawa had drifted off someplace else in his mind. He looked empty; his form was weak and tired. Had he even slept while Iwaizumi simply dozed off? Purple circles were making their way under the brunette’s eyes, signalling and confirming the all nighter he pulled. His hands were shaking slightly and he kept biting his upper lip, tearing off skin with his teeth.

 

By the time Iwaizumi finished analyzing his best friend, he heard his phone ringing. When he answered, he was met with his mother’s worried voice. Where was he? Where had he been the whole night? When did he plan on coming back? “I need you here right now!” And so he turned towards Oikawa.

 

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” His voice was heartbreaking, practically begging him to stay.

 

“I am. But I’ll be back soon, don’t worry,” he said, trying desperately to reassure his friend. He wanted to stay, to tell him how much he loved him, how he wanted to be by his side for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t. He didn’t have the time nor the courage, he was a coward.

 

There was no answer, so he gave Oikawa a final apologetic look before leaving the room and then the house.

 

-

 

 A few hours passed and as Iwaizumi’s mum finally let him go, he literally ran out of the door, his footsteps directing him to Oikawa’s house. Who knows what two hours alone could have done to him? Worry was spread all over the spiker’s face; he normally trusted Oikawa with his whole being, but right now was different. He should not have left his best friend alone; surely he could have found a way to bring him along to his house. It was too late to regret now, all he could do was run to his friend’s side and hope for the best.

 

He was relieved to finally see the familiar house and as relief washed over him, he stepped in and immediately felt like something was wrong. The atmosphere seemed off and it was oddly silent. He walked up the stairs and directly went into Oikawa’s room. When he realized he was not there, he started to panic, almost hyperventilating as he searched the whole house.

 

He opened the bathroom door so fast and loudly, he startled Oikawa who was facing the mirror. Iwaizumi actually screamed.

 

“Oh my god, you scared the hell out of me!”

 

“I should be the one saying that! You almost hit me with that door. What’s up?”

 

“I-I thought you might have...” After all this time, he still couldn’t say it.

 

“Killed myself.” As usual, Oikawa finished his sentence for him, because he found it too hard to say it. “You don’t trust me.”

 

“No I do! It’s just after yesterday and- I’m, I got scared ok? Because I love you so much and I never want to lose you! I don’t know what I would do without you, I need you.” The words came out without Iwaizumi realizing he was even talking. He left Oikawa shocked, because he always thought his love was unrequited and platonic for his friend. He started crying and Iwaizumi panicked again.

 

“What did I say, what’s wrong?” His voice had never been this high pitched before.

 

“I’m just so happy, Hajime.” He pulled him into a hug and told him that recovery seemed more possible now that he had his unconditional support.

 

He wondered if after all, aliens could wait a little more before invading them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! Hope you enjoyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Another chapter is coming, stay tuned. Hope it was worth the read friends!


End file.
